Disconnect

Its been a terribly stressful week. Mugging for Env Bio final (which I promptly bombed), working on this Peace & Justice Studies (a.k.a. the Ultimate “I Came to College and I Wanna Save the World in my Birks” Class/Major) paper all whilst worrying about a horrific Calculus problem set (which I couldn’t finish). Oh yeah there’s a final for that on Tuesday when my PJS paper is due. YIKES. Anyway, I used my incredible, awesome powers of insight and decided to disconnect myself from Facebook & Tumblr for most of the weekend. It worked I guess. It felt liberating to have to focus on writing a paper I had/have no motivation to do. I’ve got much done over the last 2 or 3 days and I’m so much closer to completing this semester and so much closer to going home for the holidays, I almost can’t believe it. (Just like I can’t believe how terrible a writer I am. I took a writing class 10 years ago and was always guilty of writing unnecessary run-on sentences. I still do it.)

Well give me about a day and a half more and I’ll sum up my semester for you. I should be writing/updating more to keep friends at home and around the world updated. I should. Perhaps that’s a good resolution for 2010. I don’t really believe in resolutions but I kinda like to make them anyway.

Again and Again

So here I am, after another week – another Friday, another paper due, another midterm encroaches, another pre-Thanksgiving mad rush for homework. It feels funny because I know the very place I’m in, I’ve been here before.

Its another week that I’ve struggled to get sufficient sleep each night. I know its my sinus again. I know because I’ve been here before. There’s another paper I have to write (or overcome, depending how you look at it). I’m so anxious but I know I can write do it and I know I will. I know I’m going to feel so tired, overwhelmed and push myself like I’m running a marathon. I know because I’ve been here before.

I know where I am and I know I’m going to make it. A part of me is worn out from being discouraged, overstretched, emptied and unfulfilled. Yet a part of me rises with hope. The hope that I’m not wasting away, that when I struggle I grow. I grow closer and firmer in the hope that has been set before me, on the cross and in heaven. That hope gives me joy. A joy that exists inside me, even though I don’t feel like smiling right now or jumping like a jellybean.

I know this is not just another week. Its not just another mundane trudge through the overcast, foggy bog that is college. I know somewhere, a part of me is lazing in the sun on an idyllic beach, by clear blue waters. So I’m going write this paper, study for math, sort out my Spring semester, write another paper and forge on to the happiness that is the week of Thanksgiving. Then I’ll head back for more momentary cramming before its homeward bound.

Residental college life can be terrible stressful because you’re always at school, the work never disappears. But I love it. I love that my friends are just a minute’s walk away and classes are a brisk walk uphill. The immersion into school life makes returning home to family and friends all the more sweeter, all the more rewarding

Burning Out

This burden on my back I cannot bear. The weight on my heart I cannot lift.

Its hard to say if Retreat was good or bad. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t that good. I’m glad I got to spend time with God, listen to Him and feel His presence. But on the other hand, there is unmistakable sadness, burden, pain and weight I cannot rid myself of. I know I’m where He wants me, doing what He wants me to but cannot help that I’m not doing what I should be.

Its frustrating and lonely, which makes it even more frustrating. Its hard to relate this to anyone because its so persistent. It runs under the happiness and lightness I feel at many times. I have peace but yet I am also troubled. I have no energy to spend with the people I want to love, I have no time to do the things I love.

Burning out sucks. Its so slow and for a period of time, there’s nothing you can do. You need to stop and rest but things need to keep moving, to keep going. The world doesn’t stop the world for you. But I know full well, with full assurance that all the pain and frustration I feel comes because God is changing me. He’s working in my life and He’s not done yet In that I have hope and joy!

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Passing and Living

I woke up this morning with insufficient sleep and read a Gchat message my mother left informing me that my grandaunt had passed away. She was the eldest of my maternal grandmother’s sibilings, the second to pass. The news lingers in my mind and I proceed with the rest of my day, here in faraway Boston.
I’ve always felt like I have no right to be sad of the passing of those I am not close to because there are those who are closer, who are more affected by the loss. But yet I still mourn. I mourn even though she isn’t my grandmother or someone I knew very well. I mourn because she has been a part of my life.
My grandmother’s Peranakan heritage is a part of me I strongly identify with and am proud of. I bear the skin-tone, education and culture of her family and celebrate it. My grandaunt is a part of that heritage, of that large family I always love to see at Chinese New Year and the bond we share. As the eldest, her passing signifies the irrevocable course of time and age that befalls us all. I cannot help but feel this.
I feel also a sense of guilt, not remembering when I saw her last. It must’ve been my last CNY at home in 2008. But I know she is in a better place, in the arms of her Saviour.
Yet it is a strange feeling, walking around campus whilst I reflect on this. We live here like all our classes, homework, extracurriculars, our revelry or that our way of life is the most important, not thinking of just how frail it really is. That while we complain of the cold, the rain and the heat, lives have been lost half a world away in Tsunamis and Typhoons. We claim that we care and want to fix this world, but we hold rave parties to raise money for refugees and debate our own opinions like words can solve everything. But words mean nothing at all and money can only do so much. We question the existence of God when He is the very one doing the saving we all desire to see.
I cannot help but be more determined to live a purposeful and effective life. A life in the right direction and not waste anytime on what doesn’t last. Although I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life yet – I know where that life lies.

This is He

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
Colossians 1:15-20

This I know.

I miss..

This little girl
This
This
This too
This not so much

3 Weeks Down

So I’m done with the first 3 weeks of Sophomore year (read: my 2nd year of college) – so far its been hard, tiring yet exciting and comfortable at the same time.I’ll put this down as briefly as I can..

Coming back to campus has been wonderful. Its so lovely to come back to Tufts and see familiar faces after 4 months of separation. Its so nice to be welcomed back and welcome everybody back

I love my new house! Rather than a dorm, its a University-owned house. So its managed like a dorm but it really is a house! Pretty pictures soon! I love walking to class cos it feels so much more like my neighbourhood rather than a school campus. Having a kitchen is really cool but I haven’t utilised it as much as I’ve wanted to. Getting groceries for one is difficult. My lovely roomie Megan wakes up with me every morning at 8am to have breakfast before I shower and head to class (I have 9.30 classes Monday – Friday). Someone commented that it sounds like a marriage – riiight.

I made myself scrambled eggs with toast for lunch today

My involvement with Tufts Christian Fellowship (TCF) has increased significantly since becoming a Freshmen Small Group Leader, more than I imagined (for some reason unbeknownst to me). I’m really grateful for the opportunity God has given me to lead a small group for the first time and be involved in the lives of these first years. I’ve felt that this is opportunity is a culmination of much growth for me because a part of me has wanted to lead a small group for sometime.  Strangely now that I’ve begun, I feel less equipped and prepared for the role than I realised. I never thought I’d be perfect at it but I feel far less qualified than I had imagined. In addition, these first weeks of starting up school and small group has been immensely draining for me. I feel drained and used. I feel like I’ve been doing alot of things that aren’t important and I’m missing out on the most important thing. I’ve been doing more admin things instead of having time & energy to spend with the Freshmen or my friends from last year. TCF has suddenly gone from something that re-energizes me to interact with people on campus to something that just totally drains me.

I’ve been praying that this will just be a phase and clinging onto the fact that I’m serving God, not pleasing people. Its been very hard not to be frustrated, but Megan & I already each had our own mini-meltdown. I woke up today with more energy and joy in the Lord. Using a Psalm to pray a day has been useful and very encouraging. I’m going on the Freshmen Retreat in a few hours, so I really need all that energy and patience. My church has a overnight event for the College ministry last weekend so this is like my 2nd retreat in 2 weeks.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

I’m a Sophomore?

So I’m back at Tufts and its the second day of school. I already feel like I’ve done so much. I’ve already met too many people, made too much small talk and have worn an accomodating grin too often. I’m a Sophomore, I shouldn’t have to do all this right?
Its not all that bad but I’m just a little tired..i think. Ok trying to run now.

Few Hours More

so just like that an entire summer has gone by. the immense lack of updates is due to the fact that i’ve been ‘tumbling’ instead. i plan to update about the summer and other things on my mind, but for now i’m going to pack my mac in and prepare for a 20 hour flight back to Tufts.

I tumble at pickledil

iLike

I’m not the type who constantly listens to music as if an iPod were life support. There are times when I listen to my iPod more and sometimes less. Sometimes I listen to a playlist, album or artist so much that I get sick of it. But i realised, returning to my favourite playlist of favourite songs is like meeting up with a dear friend. Although you haven’t met in a while, they know what makes you laugh and smile.