This burden on my back I cannot bear. The weight on my heart I cannot lift.
Its hard to say if Retreat was good or bad. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t that good. I’m glad I got to spend time with God, listen to Him and feel His presence. But on the other hand, there is unmistakable sadness, burden, pain and weight I cannot rid myself of. I know I’m where He wants me, doing what He wants me to but cannot help that I’m not doing what I should be.
Its frustrating and lonely, which makes it even more frustrating. Its hard to relate this to anyone because its so persistent. It runs under the happiness and lightness I feel at many times. I have peace but yet I am also troubled. I have no energy to spend with the people I want to love, I have no time to do the things I love.
Burning out sucks. Its so slow and for a period of time, there’s nothing you can do. You need to stop and rest but things need to keep moving, to keep going. The world doesn’t stop the world for you. But I know full well, with full assurance that all the pain and frustration I feel comes because God is changing me. He’s working in my life and He’s not done yet 
In that I have hope and joy!
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I woke up this morning with insufficient sleep and read a Gchat message my mother left informing me that my grandaunt had passed away. She was the eldest of my maternal grandmother’s sibilings, the second to pass. The news lingers in my mind and I proceed with the rest of my day, here in faraway Boston.
I’ve always felt like I have no right to be sad of the passing of those I am not close to because there are those who are closer, who are more affected by the loss. But yet I still mourn. I mourn even though she isn’t my grandmother or someone I knew very well. I mourn because she has been a part of my life.
My grandmother’s Peranakan heritage is a part of me I strongly identify with and am proud of. I bear the skin-tone, education and culture of her family and celebrate it. My grandaunt is a part of that heritage, of that large family I always love to see at Chinese New Year and the bond we share. As the eldest, her passing signifies the irrevocable course of time and age that befalls us all. I cannot help but feel this.
I feel also a sense of guilt, not remembering when I saw her last. It must’ve been my last CNY at home in 2008. But I know she is in a better place, in the arms of her Saviour.
Yet it is a strange feeling, walking around campus whilst I reflect on this. We live here like all our classes, homework, extracurriculars, our revelry or that our way of life is the most important, not thinking of just how frail it really is. That while we complain of the cold, the rain and the heat, lives have been lost half a world away in Tsunamis and Typhoons. We claim that we care and want to fix this world, but we hold rave parties to raise money for refugees and debate our own opinions like words can solve everything. But words mean nothing at all and money can only do so much. We question the existence of God when He is the very one doing the saving we all desire to see.
I cannot help but be more determined to live a purposeful and effective life. A life in the right direction and not waste anytime on what doesn’t last. Although I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life yet – I know where that life lies.
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
Colossians 1:15-20
This I know.
This little girl
This
This
This too 
This not so much 
So I’m done with the first 3 weeks of Sophomore year (read: my 2nd year of college) – so far its been hard, tiring yet exciting and comfortable at the same time.I’ll put this down as briefly as I can..
Coming back to campus has been wonderful. Its so lovely to come back to Tufts and see familiar faces after 4 months of separation. Its so nice to be welcomed back and welcome everybody back
I love my new house! Rather than a dorm, its a University-owned house. So its managed like a dorm but it really is a house! Pretty pictures soon! I love walking to class cos it feels so much more like my neighbourhood rather than a school campus. Having a kitchen is really cool but I haven’t utilised it as much as I’ve wanted to. Getting groceries for one is difficult. My lovely roomie Megan wakes up with me every morning at 8am to have breakfast before I shower and head to class (I have 9.30 classes Monday – Friday). Someone commented that it sounds like a marriage – riiight.
I made myself scrambled eggs with toast for lunch today
My involvement with Tufts Christian Fellowship (TCF) has increased significantly since becoming a Freshmen Small Group Leader, more than I imagined (for some reason unbeknownst to me). I’m really grateful for the opportunity God has given me to lead a small group for the first time and be involved in the lives of these first years. I’ve felt that this is opportunity is a culmination of much growth for me because a part of me has wanted to lead a small group for sometime. Strangely now that I’ve begun, I feel less equipped and prepared for the role than I realised. I never thought I’d be perfect at it but I feel far less qualified than I had imagined. In addition, these first weeks of starting up school and small group has been immensely draining for me. I feel drained and used. I feel like I’ve been doing alot of things that aren’t important and I’m missing out on the most important thing. I’ve been doing more admin things instead of having time & energy to spend with the Freshmen or my friends from last year. TCF has suddenly gone from something that re-energizes me to interact with people on campus to something that just totally drains me.
I’ve been praying that this will just be a phase and clinging onto the fact that I’m serving God, not pleasing people. Its been very hard not to be frustrated, but Megan & I already each had our own mini-meltdown. I woke up today with more energy and joy in the Lord. Using a Psalm to pray a day has been useful and very encouraging. I’m going on the Freshmen Retreat in a few hours, so I really need all that energy and patience. My church has a overnight event for the College ministry last weekend so this is like my 2nd retreat in 2 weeks.
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
So I’m back at Tufts and its the second day of school. I already feel like I’ve done so much. I’ve already met too many people, made too much small talk and have worn an accomodating grin too often. I’m a Sophomore, I shouldn’t have to do all this right?
Its not all that bad but I’m just a little tired..i think. Ok trying to run now.
so just like that an entire summer has gone by. the immense lack of updates is due to the fact that i’ve been ‘tumbling’ instead. i plan to update about the summer and other things on my mind, but for now i’m going to pack my mac in and prepare for a 20 hour flight back to Tufts.
I tumble at pickledil
I’m not the type who constantly listens to music as if an iPod were life support. There are times when I listen to my iPod more and sometimes less. Sometimes I listen to a playlist, album or artist so much that I get sick of it. But i realised, returning to my favourite playlist of favourite songs is like meeting up with a dear friend. Although you haven’t met in a while, they know what makes you laugh and smile.
Each time I consider writing a blogpost, I usually go with what I’m feeling and thinking about at the moment. Most recently, the topics have been centred around the difficulties of living in two worlds. Here and there, home and abroad. But the pain of processing what I feel into words, then posting them only to be misunderstood and trampled has detered me from doing so more often.
Most recently the frustrations of mapping out meeting up with friends has brought me back to this topic. A friend commented, “We have a life here. You’re on vacation”. While true, it hurt alot. I know and respect that everybody I know here have lives that I no longer run in tandem with. But it hurt to be confronted with that. My place here is no longer what it used to be. Its temporary, passing and smaller than what it used to be.
You are here and I am there. You are there but I am here. We run into old schoolmates or friends and the common question is, “so where are you now?” I stand here before you, but I’m really no where at all.
Its the strangest feeling to be glad to be home yet have a sense of displacement haunt your heart. Something’s always got to give.
John 14:1-3 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
Today Mel asks me if i wanna go ’shooting’ sometime. We’re also planning to go try muay thai soon. So thinking this was part of her new foray into violent hobbies, my immediate mental reaction was “uh we’re not yet in the US and she wants to go shoot? Heck why not..” I reply accordingly then Mel goes “Photography.” Oh, right. Looks like I’ve been in the US a little too long.
………………….
I had my 3rd last driving lesson yesterday and spent an hour in the circuit. While waiting to enter the directional change lot, I noted the driver infront of me was making a really wide reverse-right turn and was probably going to hit the curb, an immediate failure under test circumstances. Then I spotted the double L plates on the car- denoting the driver was taking the test. I sat there, horrified, watching the driver reverse into the left curb twice. My heart goes out to that driver. I really hope and pray that doesn’t happen on Monday!
